I've been wondering for the last seven months what to do on my 50th birthday. It seems to be a little more impactful than turning 30 or turning 40, I don't really know why. I think maybe when I was 30 and 40, I was really busy with my family, with my kids. Now that's not a part of my everyday life, so I think a little more about what I'm doing right now in my life. It’s a little more undefined than what it was at 30 or 40. The kids are in their 20's. My daughter's 26 and my son is 29. My son tells me often that I'm turning 50 soon, and I tell him often that he's turning 30 soon [laughter]

When I first started having the kids, I felt like I really need to prove myself as a mum, and a wife, and all of that. And I loved it. It was easy to identify with, you could always go to that. People ask what are you doing? Well, that's what you're doing. But now it's different. After my marriage ended, in my late 30's, I went back to university and got a degree. Then I did a little bit of adventure, and moved to Vancouver just kind of on a whim, and volunteered on some farms for a few months. I was making plans to go abroad and teach English and travel around before my kids were maybe getting married and having babies. And then, in the midst of all that planning and figuring things out, I got hit by a car. That's was almost three years ago, and I've been in recovery that entire time, not working, and building up strength and stamina, and trying to get over some brain injury stuff.

I was put on a plane back to Winnipeg right from the hospital. I had a social worker working with me because I was in the trauma unit, and she got talking to my daughter. My daughter is an athletic therapist, and she knew the support that I would have here in Winnipeg was way stronger. I honestly thought it would be a couple of weeks or maybe a couple of months in recovery, not years. So I just thought Okay, sure, I’ll go home and see the kids for a while, kind of flip the calendar over and away we go. But no, here I am. Now I feel I'm very hesitant on being adventurous. I'm not quite sure of who I am now and of my abilities. I’m still figuring that out. I don't think it's impossible to do some of those things again, it's just I'm doing it from a different perspective and stamina. Everything now is pretty planned out and I'm constantly checking my energy level because when I get low energy I don't make good decisions and I feel very lost and unsafe in a way. That's okay but that's not where it was before so every day you're reminding yourself you got to say, "No," to people or you say, "Yeah. It sounds great. I'll let you know the day of how I'm feeling." You go through life like that you become just a little more self-aware, knowing your limits. People are starting to understand more. At first, I'd hear in reply, "Well, I get tired too," or, "You're getting older." Things like that. I've heard so much of that and then another says, "50 coming." Yeah, I am getting older. Woah. And at first, I was saying to them, "Yeah, but you just don't get older over night." Right?

When something like this happens-- when there is distress here in life you think about where you're at in your life as well, what your coping strategies are. I feel very unsure of myself but I also feel sure of myself too because I've come through some adversity, different times in my life as we all do, you learn, "Hey I can get through this." There’s that cliche of you never know what's happening, but it's happening for a reason and you'll look back and know why. Now, I'm kind of like, "Bring it on," because I can't wait to learn another part of me. I’m confident that I'll get through it, not that I go out looking for danger or do stupid things but when I take on challenges, I am amazed at what our bodies and minds can do.

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A Tedx Winnipeg talk

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